It was the worst of times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, quite literally for me in the last few months. Many pros and just as many cons. They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger but at some point every runner hits their wall and I just keep hoping I haven't hit mine. I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party, just trying to process.
Let's not discuss the cons in particular because most of them are intensely personal plus I don't believe rehashing them here will change anything. I also don't believe any of them would have been nearly as strong had I not faced them all in a fairly short period of time during a summer where our family was displaced during my husband's internship.
Change aggravates my depression and there has been a lot of change, mostly for the good. But seriously, this was like the perfect storm for my personal emotional issues.
We did have a lot of fun. I was greatly inspired by the beauty of nature which resulted in many paintings. My bond with my daughter grew as we spent more time together discovering a new place. This has led to me cutting back my workload severely so I can continue that pattern back home and it has been wonderful.
We got to stay at a lake house in Washington without internet or cell phone service for a week which provided a much needed escape from the world and stresses we had been through.
We also feel like we know ourselves better and can better sympathize with others we never imagined we could.
I've heard a quote that said 'growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.' Right now I feel like if growing up is optional it comes at a price. It's like a kid going through school where they still beat them with rulers thinking like obeying the rules is optional. Sometimes life smacks you hard and makes you grow up.
I feel like I need to work on forgiveness more. I need to forgive those who have offended me including myself. I need to find a way to be grateful for life happening the way it did instead of looking back with dread and trying to forget it. Several of the issues which came up are not going away any time soon so I need to learn to live with them and still find happiness.
I may not be as solid as I am during calmer times, I actually feel quite frail emotionally. I'm clinging to hope in the covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. If life were a war I would be the bleeding soldier searching for the medic and praying the rest of the army holds up our side until i'm strong enough to engage again. I'm clinging to the hope that things will get better and brighter. I know i've received spiritual confirmations to that end and though I don't always feel it all I can do is keep going with that hope.

Bad day

How can you tell whether or not you're in the wrong? Also, how can you tell whether someone else is in the wrong and what should you do about it if you think they are?
If you try to help someone be better and they either lash out at you or alienate you for doing it, is it your fault or theirs?
Placing blame is a problem nowadays. Too many people do it through both good and ill intentions. Is blame-placing as severe if it is done in love? The social punishments seem just as severe no matter the intentions.
What do you do if you are in the position where you have given what you thought is constructive criticism and are punished for it? If you were wrong and they were right then your punishment was justly deserved and you are burdened with guilt on top of being alienated by those you offended. If you were in the right you are still punished by being offended.
I know we're not supposed to lay blame at all but then how do we feel truly sorry when we've done wrong and want to repent? And do we just stand by and watch if someone we love is heading into what we see as a dangerous path especially if their actions directly impact us?
Trying to make a difference and failing miserably on top of the guilt felt knowing that your depression might be your own fault and no one can take it away.

Continue in Patience

D&C 67
12 Neither can any natural man abide the presence of God, neither after the carnal mind.
13 Ye are not able to abide the presence of God now, neither the ministering of angels; wherefore, continue in patience until ye are perfected.

Sure, just be patient. How? Especially when you have roadblocks that come up that you can't control? Depression and hormones for example. Those are roadblocks that others seldom seem to forgive you for. Doesn't matter if you're in a mood, you still have to be patient. And if you're not you should feel guilty because you know better. Verse 10 of the same section of D&C reads " inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual."
Can removing jealousies and fears help me be patient? I think so. A lot of times we're not patient because we're either jealous of someone else getting something faster or we're afraid we'll lose the opportunity. Makes sense. 

So what about when others don't seem to be patient with your impatience? 

Ideally the best response:

Something that I have a problem with is simply smiling and saying, 'you're right, i'm sorry.' There's really very little someone can say back to you when you give that response. Probably because it's not what they were expecting. It's hard to humble yourself enough to just let the injustice go. 

If you can, the greater challenge is to not hold a grudge. It's one thing to forgive but more important is to forget. 

So in summary: avoid jealousies and fears, smile and wave then let it go. 

So what stops me from doing that? What holds me back from being the first to approach the opposing party and apologize? Pride maybe? I don't want to appear weak. Maybe i'm afraid of getting more hurt. That they'll think that because they 'got away' with it this time then they can do it again. Sometimes I just don't trust myself to say the right thing. I fear i'll make the situation worse. 

There are those jealousies and fears. Man, those are hard to avoid.
Seriously just stumbled upon this perfect quote by Hans B. Ringger from April 1994 General Conference: "The visible expression of doing God’s will often results in personal cheerfulness—a silent, sunny brightness and a joy for life, feelings which are sung about in Psalms. We live, however, not without adversity and possible moments of deep despair. Our surroundings entice us to the unenduring, to injustice and disobedience. If we want to prevail, we must act in accordance with gospel principles. We cannot ask for more than to find the true meaning of life. “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt. 10:39). We are promised that we will receive plentifully and gain eternal life when we give up those things the Lord requires of us."

I have nothing to lose but everything to gain by being the first one to apologize even when I don't believe I am in the wrong. By doing that I am living the gospel principle of forgiveness and humility which will ultimately result in my personal cheerfulness. 

Hakuna Matata

There is so much to worry about these days. The world can be a dark place. I mean, who knew that eating hot dogs could give you cancer? How many people share those facebook posts of 15 foods you never knew were unhealthy? Gosh, is anything safe to eat?

Did I mention that the world is going to end this month? As much as I'm looking forward to that event I hope it doesn't because I just finished my Halloween costume and I'd really like to wear it before the world ends.

People stress over everything. The government, the economy, personal finances, food, exercise, your personal body image, social status, the rapid decline in morality.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned about these issues. If no one cared about politics then where would we be? Probably under the thumb of a dictator. (Some might say that's already the case.) As long as you have the right perspective you can adequately address important issues and yet remain positive. I'm by no means an expert but i'm trying.

One thing that bugs me and countless other individuals is weight. Everybody wants to be skinny. Some will go to unbelievable lengths to achieve this. I was beginning to believe I needed to if I ever want to lose weight as well. This conflicts with one of my life goals however: No regrets.

If anyone's seen 'Last Holiday' starring Queen Latifah, this illustrates my point. Latifah plays Georgia Byrd, a woman who has spent her life being so careful she never allowed herself to really enjoy life. Then she is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and is told she has three weeks to live. Later at home she flips through a scrapbook she has made illustrating places she always wanted to go, people she always dreamed of meeting and food she cooked but never let herself eat.

"I should have ate that!" She sobs looking at beautiful dishes she had concocted.

I don't want to be one of those people looking back on life with tears in my eyes saying "I should have ate that!" There's a jewel in every breath and I intend to find it if I can.

So how do you balance enjoying life with being concerned about important issues? It won't do me any good to eat every chocolate cake in sight in search of enjoyment.

“In proper sequence, first comes the knowledge of God and his program, which is the way to eternal life, and then comes the knowledge of the secular things, which is also very important..." taught Spencer W. Kimball.

Recognizing priorities is vital to living a balanced and happy life.

The scriptures also teach us that 'men are that they might have joy' (2 Nephi 2:25).

If eating a slice of chocolate cake makes one happy, I don't think there's anything wrong with indulging every once in awhile. But should you gorge yourself at the expense of your own personal health and well-being? Probably not.

Watching movies can make you happy. Nothing wrong with them (the ones with appropriate content anyway, but that's another soap box). But should you spend hours on Netflix leaving little or no time for things like scripture study and family time? Nope.

One quote that I've always liked is 'If you put the Lord first everything will either fall into place or fall out of your life.' I have found that to be absolutely true.

When I make sure to allot significant time in my day to the pursuit of godliness I find I have time to accomplish everything else I need to.

The things that have had to fall out of my life aren't necessarily bad things. I don't juggle or go unicycling nearly as much since I've gotten married and started a family. Do I miss it? A little but frankly spending time with my family has become more important to me than pursuing my own personal hobbies. Another quote I enjoy is 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' My ability to let the past go and live in the present while preparing for the future has stemmed from my putting my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ first and then discerning where my talents are best spent.

Doing this takes the worry away for the future as well.
1 Nephi 22:17 reads: "Wherefore, he will preserve the righteous by his power, even if it so be that the fulness of his wrath must come, and the righteous be preserved, even unto the destruction of their enemies by fire. Wherefore, the righteous need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved, even if it so be as by fire."

I love that. As long as we do our best we have nothing to worry about and nothing to regret because through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all the negative is swept away and all the unfairness is made right. We can have the perspective to choose the right priorities in life and see the good in whatever comes our way.

So what if the world ends this month? At least I had fun making my Halloween costume and grew in my creative talents.

My absolute favorite talk describes this philosophy amazingly well. It has become a frequent reference for me and I hope you will give it a read-through.

The Best is Yet to Be by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

faith precedes miracles

I was doing my scripture study this morning and thinking of why it is necessary for faith to precede miracles. One possible reason is we shouldn't have our faith dependent on miracles. It's like a child agreeing to behave only if their parents buy them a new toy every week. That's not real faith.

Another reason is if we don't start with faith, we might not even recognize the miracle for what it is. Who knows how many heavenly messengers are employed to guide and protect us daily and we don't realize it? Each of us is a walking miracle and if we don't start with faith, we won't recognize it as such.
For example, if I don't have faith, I get up in the morning and drive to work. No biggie.
If I have a foundation of faith, I start my day by asking the Lord if he will protect me on my drive. After I arrive safely I can say a prayer of gratitude for the miracle of arriving in one piece. Seriously, who knows how many ice patches I avoided by divine intervention?
All I'm saying is maybe we are surrounded by miracles and the reason why we need faith before miracles happen to us is simply we need faith to recognize them for what they are.

Another side of Christmas

I was just thinking today about the holiday season and how people are generally happier and in a more celebratory mood. This is what makes it my favorite time of year. People aren't afraid to talk openly about religious beliefs and good will generally abounds.
I realized, though, that this can also cause a problem. Just because Christmas approaches, doesn't mean problems go away. There are a lot of people in pain in the world due to hunger, poverty, disease, death and tough family situations. Some have remedies but there are a lot of hurts that you can't fix. And for someone going through a tough time during the holidays, the hurt becomes deeper because of the pressure to be cheerful because hey, it's Christmas. No one wants to 'ruin the party' so to speak. We think of others during the Christmas season so someone hurting might think they have to put on a face for the sake of others and bottle up the turmoil inside.
I'm not saying we should be all doom and gloom during the holidays. I'm just saying it's not necessary to completely hide your feelings in order to have the "perfect Christmas."
Let's think about what Christmas is all about.
NOT a baby in a manger as many focus on, but a Savior who has given his life so we can be happy eternally.
I'll share my favorite scripture which goes perfectly with this. It's from the Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11

"And he shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and  this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."  (emphasis added)

Christ did not suffer for just our sins. He felt every pain and sickness and infirmity we will ever feel. Whatever hard time you're going through he has felt that. He did that so he can stand there right next to you and say, "I know how you feel."
So for those who are hurting during the holiday season, don't feel pressure to run faster than you have strength. You can't run a marathon with a broken leg and God understands that.
Know that you are loved and others mourn with you during your times of trial. Take this time not to feel pressure to perform
but to be healed by Him who has the power to do so.

Paying Attention

They get so big so fast!  Can you imagine more than doubling your body weight in four months? Julia rolled over for the first time by herself today.  I put her on her back, washed some dishes, and when I came back she was on her stomach.  I thought Zach had rolled her over but he hadn't.  She must have done it by herself.  I've got to be careful or I'll miss little moments like that.  I was talking to a lady tonight who said she missed her daughter's first crawl because she was doing dishes. She felt something on her foot, looked down and her baby had crawled to her from the other room, immensely proud of herself.  As President Monson so aptly put it, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."  Especially dirty dishes. :-)